Morning Coffee

02/03/09

Whatever happened to the concept of inappropriate behaviour?

A number of years ago, the idea that it was unhealthy to keep anger contained surfaced, and was widely published by the mainstream media. We were told that people who 'kept it all bottled up inside' were more likely to suffer stress related medical conditions such as strokes and heart attacks. When I observe the behaviour of some people in our society today, I can't help but wonder if their justification stems from the belief that this is healthy for them.

Not surprisingly, it seems we encounter the healthy expression of anger with increasing frequency. Where once it was considered inappropriate behaviour, people now feel free to express their displeasure at the slightest provocation. Who hasn't witnessed such an event? Who hasn't waited in line while a 'difficult' customer harassed a clerk?

While this is happening with increasing frequency in mainstream society, we're also hearing about the alarming increase in bullying in our schools. Do you suppose these two behaviours could be related? Let's take a look.

Your six year old stands beside you while you verbally assault a waitress or sales clerk. You probably haven't even considered it, but if the person you are focussing your displeasure on were in a position to respond in kind, you would most likely adjust your own behaviour. In other words, no matter how legitimate your complaint, you are yourself acting like a bully.

Contrary to popular belief, children are not deaf. It's been my observation that most children listen very carefully to the adult conversation around them. It's how they learn. So the lesson you have just taught your child is that this type of behaviour is acceptable. It's perfectly fine to behave like a bully. And yet when your child mimics your behaviour in school, you don't make the connection.

Now we're being told that swearing is good for you. Apparently, expressing a few choice expletives can defuse a tense situation. We're even told that if swearing wasn't good for you, it would have evolved out of existence by now. Using that logic, war has to be good for us, too. Otherwise, it would have evolved out of existence. The same can be said of greed, hate and jealousy.

As often happens when I read a media report on a 'study', I find myself noticing what seems to me a significant omission. With the study on anger, I found it odd no mention was made of the recipient of someone else's healthy release of emotion. Surely having someone berate you for every perceived slight couldn't be good for you? And what about the use of obscene language? Can we look forward to an increase in that? Is it now going to be considered healthy to swear at people when they do something you don't like?

At one time, there were generally accepted standards for what was considered appropriate behaviour when out in society. People seemed to understand that a civilized society had its foundations in the behaviour of the individual. It was even possible to disagree with someone without becoming abusive. In general, people tried to get along with each other for the good of society as a whole.

Today, some people seem to think getting angry, and expressing that anger, is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it has become so acceptable that a lot of people get angry at the slightest excuse. You can't seem to go anywhere today without encountering someone's displeasure.

So how can that possibly be construed as good for you? The things we used to take in stride – the 'small stuff' – are now being blown all out of proportion. As a result, some people are in a constant state of anger. Needless to say, some of us are frequently finding ourselves on the receiving end of that anger, and more often than not, we don't even know why. Doesn't that increase the amount of stress for both of us? Doesn't that put both of us at risk from stress related health issues?

Right now, I have a vivid picture in my mind of a man leaning out the window of his car, in sub-zero temperatures no less, screaming at me because he thought I was not giving him his turn at a three way stop. You have to understand that this man actually drove with his window down to facilitate this behaviour. Had he been inside the car and behind the steering wheel where he belonged, he might have noticed the intersection had been changed. The signs indicating a three way stop were gone, and so was the stop sign that would have been there for me. That happened several weeks ago, and it still bothers me. Why did he feel it necessary to verbally assault me? Even if I had been making a mistake, it would have been a relatively minor one. What was his justification for his behaviour? After all, people make mistakes. Is it worth getting angry over?

As much as I'd like to believe it, I know it's unrealistic to think we can all get along, all the time. But I do believe it's possible for our society to change for the better. It starts with the individual, and the choices that are made. You can choose not to let 'the small stuff' bother you. You can choose to control your own response, even if you are angry. This doesn't mean that you have to increase your own risk of stress related illness, either. Anger management is an option. There are constructive ways to release the stress arising from emotions. Physical activity is a great way to deal with stress, whatever its source, and more often than not, your perception of the event changes when you've given yourself time to think about it. If on the other hand you choose to allow yourself to over-indulge in an emotion that is going to have a negative impact on your own health, not to mention the impact on society in general, you should ask yourself this: Is it really worth it?